Action Survivor Keitaro
by Lord22
Summary: Keitaro didn't ask to be assigned as manager to a collection of violent, hyper aggressive beautiful women. But if Granny Hina thinks he's going to be a doormat to them she's dead wrong. He's going to give them as good as he gets.
1. A Duel at Sunset

**Chapter One: A Duel at Sunset**

Keitaro Urashima made his way up the steps, breathing in the warm air of that bright summers day. As he reached the top he saw the Hina Inn. He hadn't been here in years. If he hadn't received the invitation from Granny he probably wouldn't have been here for years to come. Maybe even ever.

Entering the room he found something strange. The room where new guests were traditionally welcomed was empty. Granny wasn't there. Neither was a bellboy or anyone else. Narrowing his eyes he walked in, looking around for any sign of other people.

But he found none.

Surely Granny wouldn't have called him all the way here and then not been there to greet him? Actually she might do that. Whatever.

He decided to take a look around. To his pleasure the Hotsprings were still there. However he wasn't in the mood to start bathing. And besides, something in the inn wasn't right. He quickly went to where he remembered Granny had had her office.

No one was there.

However he saw a guest list on a table. Finding it he looked at it. There were five names there:

Naru Narusegawa

Motoko Aoyama

Kaolla Sue

Shinobu Maehara

Mitsune Konno

Every single one of them was a woman. Searching through the records he noted that they had been staying here for much longer. Longer than was normal for tourists. And there was still no sign of Granny.

This was ridiculous. Keitaro had come all the way over here to visit and Granny hadn't even had the decency to be here. In disgust he put his hands in his pockets, turned around and walked for the door. He fully intended to walk down to the bus station and take the first bus back home.

At that moment the door opened and a girl walked in. She was wearing big round glasses and had long hair. A scarf surrounded her neck and she went bundled up heavily.

Keitaro supposed he could ask her for information. Maybe something had come up. 'Oh finally. I'm here to see my grandmother I was wondering if-'

She stared at him. 'A burglar!'

'What?' said Keitaro 'I'm not a burglar.'

She tried to punch him. Emphasis on tried. Keitaro was used to slipping past bullies. He slipped away from her punch and into another room. However he heard her running after him.

'A burglar!' she was screaming 'There's a burglar here!'

Wonderful. So now he was a burglar for walking into an inn. Today was just getting better wasn't it? He turned a corner and saw a thirteen-year-old blonde girl standing before him. With her were many dozens of robotic turtles. She laughed merrily.

'Get the burglar!'

That was how Keitaro found himself running for his life. From fire-breathing robotic turtles. Oh and a psychopathic redhead. It was odd how calm he was about the whole thing. Perhaps it was simply too surreal for words.

A door opened and a squint-eyed silver-haired woman came out with a golf club. 'Don't let him steal our valuables.'

He ducked under the golf club and sprinted up the stairs as quickly as he could. Even as he reached the roof however he found a beautiful black haired girl. She was clad in a white and red samurai's garb waiting for him. She held a gleaming blade in her hand.

'Vile man!' she cried. 'How dare you intrude upon the sanctity of this place!'

She came at him with her sword, but Keitaro rolled under it. Seeing some laundry hanging he snatched a towel off the line and hurled it over her as she turned to face him. Then he leaped onto the roof and ran along it before coming to a point where it was low over a balcony.

He slid down and quickly rushed down another flight of steps. With luck the girls wouldn't be able to follow him that way.

Eventually he came into a hall and saw a shy looking blue haired girl. She was holding a frying pan defensively. Keitaro sighed. However she did not act. There was a long silence.

'…So are you going to attack me like the others?' he asked.

'Um, no.' she said.

'Good.' said Keitaro 'Could you tell them that I'm not a burglar and that-'

'Get away from Shinobu!' cried a voice.

'And that's my cue to leave.' said Keitaro, before rushing past her.

Sprinting through the halls he heard his enemies pursuing him like hunting dogs. He came to the door and threw it open. Running for the stair he knew now that he could reach the bus stop and escape. Escape to freedom and never have to come back to this hellhole again.

And then he ran into a familiar face. Brown haired, a thirty-year-old pretty woman in an apron 'Hello Keitaro,' she said 'what's your hurry?'

Keitaro looked at her incredulously. Then he looked to the five girls who had slowed to a halt, all holding some kind of weapon which they meant to do him harm. He recalled a passage from his favorite book. 'Aunt Haruka. The courtesy of the Hina Inn is somewhat lessened of late.' He dodged a punch.

'Quoting Gandalf again?' asked Haruka.

'More or less.' admitted Keitaro.

'Is Gandalf something you eat?' asked the blonde girl.

'No.' said Keitaro 'He is the greatest wizard in the history of fiction.'

'Really?' said Su 'That's unfortunate. The name sounds tasty.'

'Quiet!' snapped the samurai woman 'Haruka! Why are you defending this burglar?'

'I'm not a burglar.' snapped Keitaro 'I was trying to tell you that I was here visiting my grandmother.'

'He's right.' said Haruka 'He's my nephew, Keitaro. And he's been chosen by Hina to run the dorm.'

'Wow, what a massive change to my circumstances which I was not consulted in at all.' said Keitaro. 'Where is Grandma and why exactly can't she tell me this herself?'

Haruka looked embarrassed. '…She's gone away on vacation.'

'So she was planning to spring this on me then?' said Keitaro.

'I think she thought you'd check in with me before you walked up.' admitted Haruka. 'Or that you might read the sign posted on the door.'

'Cute.' said Keitaro.

'What!' said the redhead. 'We can't have a man in charge of an all-girls dormitory!'

'Naru is right!' said the blonde girl 'That's a contradiction!'

'Um, Su, I don't think he seems all that bad.' said the blue haired girl.

'His vile presence cannot be tolerated!' said the samurai girl.

'Okay that's it, I'm going home.' said Keitaro 'I've got a part-time job flipping burgers to get back to. One which I took a vacation day from to get here. Goodbye.'

'Wait Keitaro, you can't just leave.' said Haruka.

'Why not?' asked Keitaro.

Haruka paused. 'Okay, well you shouldn't.'

'Okay let me tell you what just happened. I walked into this room looking for my grandmother.' said Keitaro 'I got attacked by a crazy berserker. Then I got attacked by a crazy girl who commands a legion of robotic turtles. Then I nearly got my head sliced off by the samurai girl who seems to think we're still in the feudal era.

'And after all of that, I find out that Granny couldn't even be bothered to show up. In fact, she took a vacation so she could foist the job off on me.

'So yeah, I don't feel like running this place. Bye.'

'Keitaro you've come all this way.' said Haruka 'At least give it a chance.'

'We shall allow no such thing.' said samurai girl 'No man will sully this place.'

'That's right.' said Naru.

'Okay, I've got an idea.' said Keitaro. 'Haruka you talk to these fine ladies and if you can get them to agree to take me on I'll go with you. You've got ten minutes.' He set his watch.

'Now wait a minute-' began Haraku.

'Nine minutes and fifty-eight seconds.' said Keitaro. 'Nine minutes and fifty-seven seconds.'

'Okay girls I'd like to talk to you in private for a bit.' said Haruka quickly.

Keitaro waited outside, listening at the door of the living room as they spoke. Haruka began well enough. 'Listen I know that this is a change for you. But I know Keitaro. He's a good person and he wouldn't dream of causing trouble for you. Just give him a chance.'

'Absolutely not.' said Naru.

'Now hold on a minute.' said the squint-eyed one. 'I think we outta give the poor boy a shot. After all, he didn't know we were living here. No sense in holding it against him.'

'Um, I don't have a problem with him Kitsune.' said blue hair.

'See, Shinobu's a good judge of character.' said Kitsune.

'Is character something you can eat?' asked Su.

'No.' said Haruka.

'Oh.' said Su. 'Well if Shinobu thinks it is all right I will give him a shot.'

Naru paused. 'Well, I guess I could… um… I guess we could give him a chance. But if he does anything perverted I'm punching him into the sky.'

Samurai girl slammed her fists on the table. 'I will not tolerate this! This place is meant for women and women alone! And anyway whomever this fool is he isn't qualified to run the Dorm. He's soft and weak and probably has never done a days work! The whole place will probably fall to pieces with him in charge of it!'

Keitaro felt something snap in him. He opened the door and marched in. 'All right hold it right there. You don't know me, lady. You've never even met me. I didn't ask to come up here and take this job. But I don't appreciate being told that I'm no good before I even have a chance to try it.

'And last time I looked you're outvoted. So I guess I am taking the job.' Wait what the hell? Why had he said that?

'Unacceptable!' roared samurai girl 'I will not allow this! I challenge you to a duel Urashima!'

Keitaro paused. '…You want to fight me for the right to run this place?'

'Yes.' said samurai girl.

'Okay. I'm game.' said Keitaro, the beginnings of a plan forming in his mind. 'We'll fight at sunset outside the gates of the Hina Inn.'

'How dramatic.' said Kitsune.

'Why not now?' asked Naru 'Get it over with.'

'I don't have a weapon, obviously.' said Keitaro, annoyed he had to mention it. 'It wouldn't be very fair if she… what is your name?'

'I am Motoko Aoyama, heir of the-' began samurai girl.

'Yeah, that's great, I don't care, shut up.' said Keitaro. 'It wouldn't be very fair if Motoko got her sword and I didn't get to use a weapon of my own.'

'Keitaro I'm not sure how I feel about this.' admitted Haruka 'Motoko is highly trained.'

'Relax Aunt Haruka.' said Keitaro 'I'll be fine. Now I've just got to go pick something up.'

The sunset, bathing the world in a dim orange light. The wind blew through Motoko's hair as she meditated there. Waiting for the time to come. Over her crossed knees was her sister's sword.

Suddenly her eyes opened. 'It is sundown and Keitaro has yet to show himself.' she said.

'He probably run off scared.' said Naru 'What a waste of time.'

'Wait, there he is!' said Shinobu.

Up the stairs came Keitaro. He was clad in a long cloak-like something out of an old western. Around his neck was a bandana and he wore a cowboy hat on his head that was drawn down over his eyes. In one hand was a staff of stout wood that looked to have been recently carved.

'Is he… wearing a cowboy hat?' asked Kitsune.

'So you have chosen a quarterstaff to face me with.' said Motoko, arising to face him with her sheathed weapon in hand. 'Foolish. No length of wood can ever compare with the majesty of the katana.'

'Oh I've chosen my weapon all right.' said Keitaro in a gruff voice. 'Now go for your girly.'

'Is he… what is he doing?' asked Naru.

'All right, the fight for the Hina Inn begins…' began Haruka, raising a flag. 'Now!'

She brought down her hand.

As soon as the signal was made every fiber of Motoko's body sprang into action. Like a tiger, she surged forward. Her blade was out of its sheath and gleaming, thirsting for the blood of its enemy. Yes, it was for moments such as this it had been forged for.

'Die Keitaro!' cried Motoko.

Keitaro threw aside his cloak, drew out a revolver and shot Motoko in the head. She felt the bullet strike her and fell backward. Hitting the ground she strained to get up. Then Keitaro fired two more shots at her.

Ow. Motoko's vision was blurry and she felt like she had been run over by a train. Her entire body was numb.

'You shot her!' cried Naru 'You psychotic pervert you shot her!'

'Relax.' said Keitaro 'Rubber bullets. Honest.'

'Was the cowboy getup really necessary?' asked Haruka.

'So she can cosplay as a samurai but the moment I dress up it's weird?' asked Keitaro.

Motoko arose with great wrath. 'Ow! Dishonorable pig! You cheated!'

Keitaro blinked. 'No I didn't. We said we'd fight a duel. Nobody ever said I had to use a sword.'

'It was implicit.' hissed Motoko.

'This coming from the person who came at an unarmed man with a sword.' noted Keitaro.

Motoko… didn't have an answer to that. 'Well… uh… I demand a rematch. This duel was not in good faith.'

'Motoko you did lose.' said Haruka 'I think-'

'No, no, I wouldn't want anyone to think that I cheated my way to this position.' said Keitaro 'I'm willing to accept a rematch. Same stakes. I promise I won't use a gun.' And he tossed aside his weapon. It landed in the dirt and the sound of it was like the falling off a mountain.

Motoko narrowed her eyes. What treachery was this dishonorable cur plotting? No matter. She would overcome it by sheer strength of will. 'Agreed.'

She snatched up her sword and readied it.

'Okay, the second duel between Keitaro and Motoko will begin…' began Haruka.

There was a moment of dead silence.

'Now!'

Now at last Motoko would avenge her humiliation. Before he had hidden behind his cowardly firearms. But now as she rushed toward him she knew he would have no choice but to meet her in single combat. And this time Motoko would be the victory!

'Die Keitaro!' she cried.

Keitaro drew out a small black object at Motoko and pressed a button. Two darts shot out and hit Motoko in the shoulder. Then Motoko shuddered and let out a cry as she felt electricity surge through her. Falling to the ground she lay there as one struck dead, drool falling from her mouth and eyes empty.

'What the hell!' said Naru 'You said no guns!'

'A taser isn't a gun.' said Keitaro. 'Still legal.'

'I gotta admit it doesn't seem fair.' said Kitsune.

'It's not my fault if she is ten centuries in the past.' said Keitaro.

Get up, Motoko, she said to herself. Get up. Get up. By willpower alone, she rose to her full height. Her sword was out. 'You have no honor! I demand another fight! And this time you may not use any ranged weaponry of any kind!'

'Motoko, you've lost twice now.' said Haruka 'I think maybe you should quit while you're behind.'

'Never!' cried Motoko 'I am strong enough to-' She stopped herself from falling over by leaning on her sword. 'I am strong enough to defeat him! I will never allow a man to defeat me!'

Keitaro tossed aside his taser and smiled. He put his hands to either side. 'Okay. Here I am. No ranged weaponry. Haruka, call the fight.'

Haruka hesitated.

'Do it.' hissed Motoko.

'Okay.' said Haruka 'The third fight between Motoko and Keitaro begins.' She sighed. 'Now.'

She was weak. Her every muscle longed to collapse. Her body demanded she fall. But her spirit was strong. It was filled with an unbreakable resolve. Motoko knew now that this was her destiny. She would defeat this man and maintain the purity of the Hina inn.

Gathering all her strength she charged. 'Die Keitaro!'

Keitaru drew out a fire extinguisher from his cloak and sprayed her in the face. The force of it knocked Motoko from her feet. Her sword went flying from her hand and she landed with a crash. Keitaro used up the rest of the payload then tossed the canister at Motoko's head.

Everything went black.

Keitaro stretched as the fire extinguisher bounced off Motoko's head.

'Motoko!' cried Naru, rushing to her side. 'You jerk!'

She surged forward and brought around her fist. It struck Keitaro hard and he reeled and was thrown backward ten feet to slide to a halt. His hat was thrown into the air and landed on his face.

'Ow.' said Keitaru.

'Are you all right?' asked Haruka.

'Why are you asking him?' said Naru. 'He cheated this time too!'

'I said I wouldn't use a ranged weapon.' said Keitaro. 'A fire extinguisher is an improvised weapon.' Then he looked to Shinobu and Sue. 'So I guess this makes me the new apartment manager. I look forward to working with all of you.' He looked to Haruka. 'We'd better call an ambulance for Motoko.'

He was going to enjoy making these girls lives a living hell. It was the least he could do for the welcome he'd gotten.

* * *

 **Authors Note:**

So I recently got into Love Hina. I was kind of inspired to write this.

See the biggest problem with Love Hina is that the girl's abuse of Keitaro is never addressed. Meanwhile, Keitaro's spineless nature makes him less compelling as a protagonist.

Some people have written fix fics on the subject which feature Keitaro calling out the girls. Others involve the girls having reality ensue for them. Usually by having their fatal flaws ruin their lives.

My solution is different:

Just make Keitaro give as good as he gets.

If the relationship is mutually abusive it will make both parties more sympathetic.


	2. Plots within Plots

**Chapter Two: Plots Within Plots**

The next day Keitaro leaned against the railing looking out over the inn. He felt oddly contemplative about his new job. For it was on familiar ground. 'How long was it since I was last here? I remember I stopped coming after that girl left. What was her name again?'

'Who you talking about?' asked Kitsune, popping out of nowhere. 'Your childhood sweetheart?'

'Something to that effect, Kitsune.' said Keitaro.

'Hey, you remembered my name.' said Kitsune 'My real name's Mitsune Konno. Otherwise known as Kitsune. Pleased to meet you.'

'Right, I remember you from the guest list.' said Keitaro 'Do you want something?'

'Oh, nothing.' said Kitsune 'Just figured I'd say that Naru was very mean.'

'Naru. The redhead right?' said Keitaro.

'That's the one?' said Kitsune, before brushing a strand of hair from her face. 'Keitaro you… prefer a woman with long hair huh?'

'Somewhat. I'm not all that picky.' admitted Keitaro.

'Oh really?' asked Kitsune. 'Do you have a girlfriend?'

Keitaro was even more suspicious than before. 'Do you want something?' he repeated.

'Oh, nothing.' said Kitsune 'It's just that for the longest time I've always had this dream to date someone like you.'

'You're trying to seduce me for personal gain aren't you?' guessed Keitaro.

'Nothing of the sort.' said Kitsune, before grabbing his hand and pressing it to his breast. 'Here, can't you feel my heart beating? Words are not enough. Only my heart can express how I feel towards you.'

And then Naru showed up, throwing aside the door. 'Hey, what are you two doing?'

Not really your business.' mused Keitaro.

'Don't you understand the position you're in?' asked Naru.

'Well if I had a guess I'd say I was being set up by Kitsune to take the fall.' said Keitaro. 'Would you care to prove me wrong, Kitsune?'

'He kept saying "can I? Can I?' While grabbing my breasts.' sobbed Kitsune.

'Didn't think so.' said Keitaro.

'Pervert!' cried Naru.

Then she punched him. Hard. He was flung off the balcony and landed in the hot springs below. Arising he rubbed his head. 'Ow.'

'Um, are you all right Mr. Manager.' said Shinobu, coming out the door.

'Yeah, fine. Just got punched out a window.' said Keitaro 'Don't mind me. You're that junior high student.'

'Yes um, I'm Shinobu.' said the girl 'I was wondering if you could teach me math.'

'Not much point.' said Keitaro, stepping out of the water. 'Who you are in life is determined entirely by who your family is. If you don't have connections you'll never make it anywhere. If you do have connections, you don't need to study.' He paused as he saw her face fall. '…Sure, I'll help you.'

Thirty minutes later Keitaro was busy explaining the fine details of math to her. She listened avidly. During this time he noticed that there was a basket covered by a checkered cloth next to them. He wondered what was inside.

Eventually, they finished. And Shinobu took up the basket. 'Hey um, could you try these cookies, I just learned how to make them.'

'Sure, thanks.' said Keitaro, taking a bite. He was surprised by the taste. 'These are actually really good.'

'I'm so happy.' said Shinobu, blushing.

'Ahem.' said Naru, coming up behind them with a broom.

'Just what do you think you're doing?' asked Keitaro.

'I'm keeping an eye on you.' said Naru 'I can't let Shinobu and a pervert be together alone.'

'Oh for the love of…' began Keitaro 'I did nothing wrong.'

'You did a lot of things!' said Naru.

'None of which were wrong.' said Keitaro.

'Naru he was just helping me with my studying.' said Shinobu.

Naru paused. 'Well, then why don't you help me? I'm trying to get into Tokyo U.'

'Tokyo U, huh?' asked Keitaro 'Why would I do that?'

This seemed to surprise Naru. 'Um… well, you helped Shinobu.'

'I like Shinobu.' said Keitaro 'I don't like you. You've hit me multiple times. You were the one who sicced Motoko on me in the first place. Because of you, I had to take one of the items out of my gun collections, and I had to buy a taser and a fire extinguisher. And you're self-righteous and arrogant and anyway not nearly as hot as Motoko.'

'What?!' said Naru, fist clenching around her broom.

'Hell, if you failed your application to Tokyo U and were banned forever from the school. No if you were banned forever from every school in the multiverse. My response would probably be mild applause.' continued Keitaro.

In wrath, Naru drew back her fist and swung it. It descended like a bolt of thunder and was promptly caught in Keitaro's hand. He then turned and judo threw her into the hot springs where she landed with a splash.

She emerged, dripping and soaking wet.

'Lesson number one, Naru.' said Keitaro 'Actions have consequences. Speaking of consequences, Shinobu, have you seen Kitsune? We need to have a little chat.'

'Well I last saw her in her room.' said Shinobu.

'Well I'd better go pay her a visit then.' said Keitaro.

* * *

Kitsune was typing up a story in her room when there was a knock on her door. Making her way over to it she opened it and found Keitaro smiling at her.

'Why hi Keitaro.' said Kitsune 'How's it hanging?'

'Well. I've managed to pay back Naru well enough.' said Keitaro 'I thought I might talk to you on the subject.'

'Whadda ya mean?' asked Kitsune 'You know I was kidding right?' His smile was a bit too bright.

Then he put a hand on her shoulder. 'Of course, I know you were kidding. I'm not holding it against you.'

'Well that's good.' said Kitsune, feeling even more unnerved. 'So uh, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?'

'Your rent.' said Keitaro.

And here it came. 'Um… well see I've been trying to get together the cash, but being a journalist doesn't pay like it used to.'

'Of course. I understand completely.' said Keitaro 'So I'm not going to evict you. I can wait for you to pay it back. But uh, mind if I ask you for a little favor now and then? As a sign of good faith.'

'Um… are you blackmailing me?' asked Kitsune.

'No, no, I'm your friend Kitsune.' said Keitaro 'And friends help each other. Aren't you my friend?'

'Uh…' Kitsune paused 'yes.'

'Good.' said Keitaro 'For a start, I'd like it if you could tell me about the other members of our community. All their… weaknesses.'

'Yeah. Yeah okay.' Every girl for herself. 'Um, Motoko is kind of estranged from her big sister who went off to marry, leaving her the sole heir to her school. Um, she is also afraid of turtles. Naru is really set on getting into Tokyo U because she promised a guy she'd get in. Shinobu is really insecure. Her parents were fighting over her for a divorce and she has no self-confidence.'

'And Su?' asked Keitaro.

Kitsune tried to think of a weakness for Su. 'Um, Su is kind of uh… well, she is kind of out of it. She doesn't really think like you or me.'

'Thank you Kitsune.' said Keitaro. 'Now I'd like you to do one more thing for me…'

His smile was far wider than Kitsune was comfortable with.

* * *

Keitaro found Shinobu waiting for him as he reached the door. She looked a bit concerned. 'So what did you talk about with Kitsune?'

'Oh, no big deal.' said Keitaro 'We just laid out some ground rules.'

'Hey, could you come with me?' asked Shinobu 'I'd like to show you something.'

'Sure.' said Keitaro.

Shinobu took him up to the roof. There Keitaro saw the town. He'd been up here before but at the time he'd been set on running away. He hadn't realized what a great view it was of the city. The people. He could see tiny cars moving here and there.

'Wow.' he said.

'This is my favorite place to be.' said Shinobu 'You can see the entire city from here.' And she ran along the ridge of the roof to the edge. Keitaro felt his heart jump.

'Be careful.' he said.

Shinobu turned around. 'Hey, can I ask you a question? Please don't laugh at me.'

'Sure.' said Keitaro.

'Um, what is it like to graduate from school?' asked Shinobu.

'Uneventful.' admitted Keitaro 'Pretty everyone does it sooner or later.'

'You must be really happy.' said Shinobu 'But me, well I'm so dumb. Even if I were to study my entire life I'd never make it into Tokyo U.'

'…You're not going to believe this but it used to be my life's goal to get into Tokyo U.' said Keitaro suddenly.

'It was?' asked Shinobu.

'Yeah.' said Keitaro 'See I promised this girl a long time ago that we'd both get into Tokyo U. I tried and I failed. So I got a job and entered the workforce. Now I'm the manager of a hotel. It worked out fine.'

'But don't you regret not getting in?' asked Shinobu.

'I'm not all that book smart.' admitted Keitaro 'I mean I'm pretty good with numbers but I don't really want to go to college.'

'But… aren't grades important?' asked Shinobu.

'Only as important as you make them.' said Keitaro 'In my experience, we learn more from failure than we do success. I failed once in a big way. And after I failed I realized I could either spend my whole life chasing a dream. For the sake of a girl whose name I couldn't even remember, no less. Or I could move on to a new one.'

'So I shouldn't study?' asked Shinobu.

'That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is… look… don't chase a dream because someone else wants you to chase it.' said Keitaro 'Chase it because you want to chase it. Otherwise, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.'

'Thank you Keitaro.' said Shinobu, walking back to the balcony. 'The truth is I've been getting really bad grades in school and I was very nervous about it.'

'No problem.' said Keitaro 'Hey I've got to talk to Su about something. See ya.' And he walked off.

He found Su's room and knocked. The door opened but no one was at the other end. Within he found a veritable jungle indoors. Su was lying on a branch like a monkey, her arms hanging down.

'Hello Su.' he said.

'Oh hello Keitaro. Did you come to play with my robots?' asked Su.

'Afraid not.' said Keitaro 'You see, I'm concerned for Motoko.'

'Oh?' asked Su 'Are you and her an item.'

'Oh no I just think she needs to loosen up.' said Keitaro 'And I thought since she's in the hospital we might give her a little gift.'

'A gift you say?' asked Su 'What kind of gift?'

'Well, that's just the thing.' Keitaro leaned in and whispered his idea to her.

'Oh you're naughty.' said Su.

'Right, I think we'll get a real reaction.' said Keitaro.

'We will! It'll be funny!' said Su 'But will Motoko laugh?'

'Of course, she will.' said Keitaro 'Now, let's get started. You do your part and I'll do mine.'

Later once all the arrangements had been made Keitaro made his way back to the teahouse to meet with Haruka. Haruka eyed him with a bored expression. 'So Keitaro how was the first day as the apartment manager.'

Keitaro smiled. 'And so it begins. The trap is set. The prey approaches. A glorious winter is about to descend upon the Hina House and all its denizens. And my humiliation suffered at their hands will finally be avenged.'

'I think I liked it better when you quoted Gandalf.' said Haruka.

'Well I figured Baron Harkonnen was a better fit, Aunt Haruka.' said Keitaro. He ducked a playful swat by her.

'That should really be a warning sign.' said Haruka 'If you hate them so much why not just evict them?'

'I could.' admitted Keitaro 'But that would be too simple. They would find new accommodations and forget me. No, I am not going to evict them. I'm going to destroy them. When I'm done they will not know whom they can trust.

'Their confidence will be shattered. Their hopes will be ground to ashes. And all that they treasure will be annihilated.'

'Even Shinobu?' asked Haruka.

'Eh, Shinobu is a casualty of war.' said Keitaro.

* * *

Motoko opened her eyes, feeling too weak to sit up. There was a white ceiling above her and she had a clean white sheep over her. Her vision was a bit blurry, but she could see something in front of her. Gradually her sight adjusted and she saw it.

A turtle.

Motoko froze up and went for her sword. But her hand did not find it. Instead, it closed around something slimy and rough. Looking up she saw another turtle. Her hand was on it. Withdrawing it she drew back only to hit something rough.

Another turtle.

There were turtles everywhere. They were crawling all over her. All over the room. Where was her sword? She needed her sword!

She rushed out into the hall but found at her feet dozens and dozens of turtles walking around her.

Her heart was beating faster and faster.

'My sword!' she screamed 'Where is my sword! Where is-'

She turned around and saw a massive turtle with razor-sharp teeth. It growled at her. Motoko screamed and collapsed.

That morning Naru was in a frenzy. She tore through the inn, looking under every table and chair in desperation. 'Where is it?! Where is it?! Where is it?!'

'What's wrong Naru?' asked Shinobu.

'My book! All my study guides!' said Naru 'They've disappeared!' Then she saw Keitaro 'You, manager! You were going through my things, weren't you?

'You pervert!'

And she threw a punch. It hit Keitaro head on and he was flung against the wall and through it. Landing Keitaro got up. 'Ow.'

'Wait Naru.' said Shinobu 'He couldn't have taken them. Remember you were studying when he left the apartments?'

'Oh.' said Naru 'Well where could they have been?'

'Maybe you should ask that question before you start punching people.' muttered Keitaro as he stood up.

'Now then.' said Kitsune 'I think it is obvious that the only way to settle this is to look through all the rooms and see if we can find it.'

'Right, good idea Kitsune.' said Naru.

Thus began the search with everyone overturning the whole place. For they knew that without those textbooks Naru would never make it into Tokyo U.

'I found it!' cried Su suddenly.

They rushed to her and found that Su was inside Shinobu's room. There is a closet were all of Naru's books, tidied away neatly. Naru looked at the younger girl. 'What… Shinobu! What are my textbooks doing in your room?'

'I don't know.' said Shinobu 'I didn't put them there.'

'Hey, I'll bet it was you.' said Naru.

'I wasn't even here when that happened.' said Keitaro 'I slept in my apartment.'

'Well that doesn't matter now.' said Kitsune 'The good news is that we've found it and can move on.'

'No! I want to know who the thief was!' said Naru.

At that moment the door burst open and into the room stepped Motoko. Her sword was in one hand and a strange device in the other. Her eyes were blazing with a powerful inferno. 'Keitaro!'

'Motoko glad to see you up.' said Keitaro.

'Silence! Sue this device in my room?!' asked Motoko 'It scared me half to death!'

'Don't you like turtles?' asked Keitaro.

'No!' roared Motoko.

'Oh I'm sorry.' said Keitaro, 'We thought you did. Right, Su?'

'That's right!' said Su 'I even caught your reaction on hidden cameras! See!' And she drew out a projector and aimed it at the wall. It showed Motoko recoiled and fleeing from imaginary turtles.

'You… you sold me out to this…' said Motoko 'pervert…'

'Oh sorry about that Motoko.' said Keitaro 'Ah well, at least Su found Naru's textbooks,'

'Yeah, she found it pretty quick.' said Naru with narrowed eyes. 'How did you know it was here Su?'

'With my newest invention!' said Su 'The automatic textbook locator!'

'Wow, that's convenient.' said Keitaro 'How'd you know we'd need it? Come to think of it, I don't remember you being in the room when Naru revealed she lost the textbooks.'

'Yes, Su.' growled Naru 'How did you know we'd need it?' Her fist was clenched.

Su began to realize that she may have miscalculated. 'I… uh…'

'Get her!' roared Motoko.

'Run away!' cried Su. And she rushed out into the hall, fast pursued by Naru and Motoko.

'Come back here you traitor!' cried Motoko.

Keitaro looked to Kitsune. 'Did you their wallets?'

'Who do you think you're talking to, Keitaro?' asked Kitsune. 'I feel kind of bad robbing em blind like this. But I guess they brought it on themselves.'

'Good.' said Keitaro 'Well then feel free to have a night on the town.'

'You got it!' said Kitsune.

'Keitaro,' said Shinobu 'did you plan this?'

Keitaro smiled and walked away.

Motoko swung her sword again, unleashing a gust of wind which utterly failed to nail Su. The girl kept one step ahead of wherever they ran and what worry had been on her face had now been replaced with joy.

'Whee! This is fun!'

'Traitor!' cried Motoko 'You will pay for misusing my trust!'

'How dare you hide my textbooks!' roared Naru 'I need those to get into Tokyo U!'

Suddenly Su stopped as she reached the hot springs and turned around with a huge smile. 'I didn't.'

'What?' said Naru.

'I didn't hide your textbooks.' said Su 'And Keitaro put me up to testing my turtle illusion machine in Motoko's room.'

Of course. The man was responsible. 'Why didn't you say so before?' asked Naru.

'That wouldn't be as fun!' said Su.

'This cannot be bourne.' said Motoko 'I will slay him myself.'

'Hold on Motoko, that didn't work out so well last time.' said Naru 'We should get him together.'

Motoko realized she was correct. Two might succeed where one had failed. 'Right.'

Keitaro at this moment reappeared. 'So did you catch Su yet or…'

Motoko whirled on him. 'So you were planning to turn us against one another were you?'

'Well you know what they say: Divide and conquer!' said Keitaro.

Then he turned and ran.

They pursued.

Keitaro had been expecting them to figure it out. He'd doubted Su would have kept the secret, even if he'd asked her to keep it. So he'd set up a backup plan. Now he just needed to survive long enough to use it.

He dodged around a corner just in time to avoid a wave of chi that smashed into the wall. Racing to his office he opened the door, slipped through, locked it and activated the trap.

The trap was a simple device attached to high-grade claymore mines. When the door was opened, unless he disarmed them, the mines would explode outward. Ruining the day of whoever was on the other side.

'Keitaro!' roared Naru.

Naru kicked down the door and there was a massive explosion. Motoko and Naru slammed against the wall and slumped to the ground, singed and aching. Keitaro picked up his coat, put his hands in his pockets and walked out.

And then he saw Su. With an army of mechanical death turtles behind her. Their eyes gleamed. 'You're right Keitaro. I was fun!' said Su.

'I am really glad your kingdom is paying for all repairs.' said Keitaro, edging away.

'That's right!' said Su 'We can chase people with robot turtles all we want?! Fly my turtles, fly!'

Keitaro made a run for it, pursued by an army of robot turtles that breathed fire and shot lasers from their eyes.

* * *

Motoko meanwhile looked to Naru in exhaustion. Her every inch hurt and her clothes were a complete mess. Naru wasn't much better, her face black with soot. 'Motoko…' said Naru.

'Yeah…' said Motoko.

'I think we need to adjust our strategy.' said Naru.

'Uh huh.' said Motoko.

'At least it can't get any worse.' said Naru.

At which point Kitsune and Shibobu walked into the room with ice cream cones. 'Hey, girls. I just got back. Shinobi and I had one heck of a night on the town. I really gotta thank you for all the money you put in your wallets.

'It was really nice of you to treat us.'

'Ugh…' groaned Naru in despair.

They had to do something about this manager.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

I was surprised at the reception my first chapter got. I figured I might get a few reviews. I wasn't expecting that many, however. Anywhere here is where the comedic sociopathy really begins.


	3. The Book of Spells

**Chapter Three: The Book of Spells**

There was an odd silence that morning in the Hinata Inn as Keitaro got dressed and made his way out to a balcony. There he leaned forward and gazed over the inn, to where Shinobu was hanging up the laundry for her turn.

He breathed in the air.

Then he looked up. Motoko had been making her way toward him. She halted suddenly, and then quickly walked down another hall. It had been like this for several days. The silence got on his nerves.

At breakfast, everyone ate in silence. Kitsune was the exception, who ate cheerfully. Shinobu seemed a bit nervous. Meanwhile, Motoko and Naru eyed him and each other warily.

"Well, things have been very quiet lately, haven't they Keitaro?" asked Kitsune.

"Yes. Yes they have," said Keitaro.

Kitsune drew out a packet. "Anyway, here is that down payment on my rent you wanted me to get. I had to stop gambling completely, and boy was that hard."

"Really?" asked Keitaru, giving her a look.

"Well I may have thrown a few dice, but it's the thought that counts," said Kitsune.

"Good job, keep up the good work," said Keitaro.

Silence again. Keitaro decided to make conversation. "Motoko…"

"Eep!" said Motoko with a start. "Erm, I mean. Yes, what is it, honorable manager?"

Keitaro paused. Then he realized he had nothing to talk about. "Nothing. Naru…"

Naru looked up. "Erm, yes?"

"How are your studies for Tokyo U going?" asked Keitaro.

"Um, they are going… very well. Yes definitely." said Naru. "I'm sure I'll make it this time."

"So there aren't any problems?" asked Keitaro.

"No, why would there be problems?" asked Naru.

Keitaro paused. Then looked away. "No reason."

"Is something wrong, Keitaro?" asked Shinobu.

"No, nothing is wrong, Shinobu," said Keitaro. "Nothing at all. Actually, wait. You've cooked dinner for the whole past week. And you do laundry. I think it is about time someone else tried cooking for a change.

"Motoko you're in charge of cooking for the next week." That ought to get a reaction.

Motoko flinched. "Um, yes, of course, Honorable Manager."

Keitaro looked to Su, who had been eating enthusiastically without talking. "And Su will be your assistant."

"All right! We can make fried turtles for dinner!" said Su. "I know all kinds of recipes!"

Motoko screamed.

* * *

Later that day, Keitaro held a meeting with Aunt Haruka. "Something is very wrong here. The girls are conspiring against me."

"Keitaro, what could make you think that?" asked Haruka.

"Neither Motoko or Naru have so much as thrown a punch in a week," said Keitaro. "I think they are planning something. Until I know what, though, I can't counter it."

"Maybe they're scared of you," said Haruka.

"Hmm, why would they be?" asked Keitaro.

"Well, the last couple times they tried having a showdown with you it ended with them in the hospital," said Haruka. "They're bound to be a bit cautious after that."

"But that's terrible!" said Keitaro. "How so?" asked Haruka.

"Don't you see, if they do not attempt to act against me, I can't reply in kind!" said Keitaro. "How am I supposed to drive them out of the Hinata Apartments if we don't have a conflict!"

"Keitaro, you could evict them," noted Haruka.

"No. That would be too easy," said Keitaro, eyes narrowed.

"Too easy?" asked Haruka.

"Yes!" said Keitaro. "If I just evict them they'll leave and do whatever it is they do elsewhere! No. I'm going to break them."

"You're taking all this a bit personally, don't you think?" asked Haruka.

"Of course I'm taking it personally, Aunt Haruka!" said Keitaro. "This is a vendetta!"

Haruka sighed and took a sip of her sake. Then she put it down and looked at him. "…Right. Well, if you're so dead set on provoking Motoko and Naru into attacking you, you could start acting like a pervert."

"What?" asked Keitaro.

"You know, looking in on them in the baths and groping them. That sort of thing," said Haruka.

"I would never do that!" said Keitaro, recoiling in horror.

"Keitaro, the reason they aren't acting up is that their fear of you outweighs their hatred of your gender," said Haruka. "You haven't actually done anything wrong. So their righteous indignation is more simple sexism.

"If you start doing bad things, they'll start attacking you again."

"Not an option. I don't peep at girls," said Keitaro. He clasped his hands and bowed his head, deep in thought. "I need more resources for this. Something to drive things home."

Haruka rolled her eyes and walked over to a desk. Opening it, she drew out a huge, leather-clad black book. It had the emblem of a turtle skull on it. She set it down on the table with a thud. And the weight of the falling shook the foundations of the earth.

"Well, if you're that much of a prude I could always give you this book of dark sorcery which I used when I was a little girl," said Haruka.

Keitaro blinked. "Let me see that." He pulled the book over to him and turned it around. He peered carefully at the title and raised an eyebrow. "'A Book of Dark Spells, By Turtlethulu." He opened it and flipped through the pages. Then he smiled and stood up. "Thank,s Haruka, you're the best. I'm going to go study this right away!"

And he ran off.

Haruka sighed. Then she sat back in her chair. "There is something seriously wrong with that boy. Ah well, I guess I'm calling the kettle black there."

* * *

Later Keitaro set up a pentacle just like the book said. He dressed in black robes with a hood that covered his face. Then he prepared to look for a spell that suited his purposes.

"Now let's see," he said. "I don't want to kill them. Just drive them out."

He opened the book and came to the front page. There was a message written there that was written in a language he did not understand. But as he looked at it, it gradually shifted around to change into something he could understand. Or maybe he changed. It was kind of weird.

"Spellcaster be aware; when you wield spells, they wield you," said Keitaro. "Don't complain about how. Crazy stuff, huh." He turned it over. Some of the spells were long term curses, and he skipped these. Others physically hurt people. He skipped these as well. "Hmm, let's see. _Accusing Phantasm._ A spell to drive your enemies running in terror with their own fears and insecurities. That sounds pretty good.

"But it says here that I need… a lock of their hair." He sat down and thought. "How am I going to get that?"

And then the obvious solution presented itself.

Keitaro slipped through the halls, walking carefully to avoid making a sound. Eventually, he came to a corner and peered around it. Shinobu and Motoko were speaking.

"Goodnight Motoko," said Shinobu.

"Good night, Shinobu," said Motoko.

They then went into their rooms. Keitaro followed Motoko and waited outside for her to fall asleep. He tried to control his fear. "Okay, stay calm. Why the heck am I going after Motoko first? Oh who am I kidding, she's the greatest threat."

He waited until the lights went out. Then he waited until he was sure she was asleep. From there, he slid the door open and found a room filled with weaponry. Samurai armor was everywhere.

And at the center was Motoko sleeping. He made his way forward. "Wow, Motoko looks really cute in her sleep, doesn't she?" he thought. Then he caught himself. "No, stay focused. She's a crazy samurai girl."

He drew out a pair of scissors and kneeled down by her. Reaching out with a hand, he could hardly control his breath as he took hold of a lock of her hair. Moving with the scissors, he could hardly contain himself.

What if she woke up? He didn't have a fire extinguisher handy.

"Just a little closer…" he whispered.

He snipped off the hair and rose. "I have it."

He slipped out of the room and shut the door behind him. From there, he made his way quickly back to the room. He wiped the sweat from his brow. "Whew, close one." He sighed. "Okay, now for Naru." Then he halted at the prospect of going after two in the same night. Did he really want to push his luck? "Wait a minute. I don't know if this book will actually work. And if it doesn't, I'll have wasted my time for nothing. Okay, I'll just test it on Motoko. I'll use a different spell on Naru. Yeah."

* * *

Motoko woke up and at once sensed that something wasn't right. Rising up, she reached out and clasped her sword. Bringing a hand up, she felt that a lock of her hair missing. "What the… what happened to my hair? Did someone…" Then she noticed the door was slightly ajar. "Was someone in here?" Things clicked. "Keitaro!"

She rushed out blinding into the halls with her sword. Making her way through she came out onto the balcony and halted. Looking up, she saw a figure standing on the roof. He wore a long black hood and cloak which concealed his features. Motoko readied her sword. "What the… who are you!"

"I am the darkness, incarnate! The master of sorcery!" cried the man. "I have come to pass judgment on you-" And then he slipped on the roof and tumbled down to land with a crash below.

Motoko blinked, then leaped off the balcony to land near him.

"Ow." said the sorcerer, rubbing his head.

"Whatever your sorcery it can't be very good," noted Motoko.

"We shall see!" said the sorcerer.

He raised a hand.

Suddenly the air was filled with a horrible scent. Maddening whispers filled Motoko's mind as she turned to see something. It was unto a turtle but had many tendrils coming from its chin. She stepped back, drawing her sword.

Then she saw its eyes. Her mind froze as she felt its horrific gazing peering into her. She shuddered as it's will filled her mind. "Your ways have all been evil! While you indulge in shenanigans in the Hinata House, your sister slaves away in bondage to a tyrant!

"Run! Leave this place and go to her aid, or cower here as one would expect you to!"

"What is… sister…" Motoko staggered back.

Then, as if in a vision, Motoko saw her sister moving toward her. The inn became a swamp seeped in mist. Her thoughts clouded, and she saw wounds and bruises upon her sister.

"Help me, Motoko…" gasped her sister.

"What?" gasped Motoko. "Why would you need help…" Her sister had always been powerful, stronger than anyone. Motoko struggled to keep up with her. Why would she need help?

"He beats me!" cried Tsuruko. "I can't escape him! My husband…"

The spell of Turtlethulu fell upon her, and Motoko rushed into the night, her blade in hand. Shinobu saw her running.

"Motoko, Motoko, where are you going?" called Shinobu.

Keitaro walked forward. Shinobu looked at him. "Keitaro, what happened?"

"I don't know," said Keitaro. "I got up to get a glass of water and Motoko just bolted out the door."

"Do you think she's all right?" asked Shinobu.

"I'm sure she is. She's a tough samurai," said Keitaro. "She can handle it."

"I don't know about that. She seemed pretty upset," said Shinobu.

"Look, let's just wait till morning before we overreact okay," said Keitaro. "I'm sure Motoko will come back on her own."

"Do you think we should call the police?" asked Shinobu.

"Are you kidding? She'll probably attack them!" said Keitaro. "…Huh, that's actually a good point," said Shinobu.

* * *

Once Shinobu had gone back to bed, Keitaro leaped for joy. "…Yes! It worked! Now nothing can stop me from getting rid of those girls! Now, who should I target first? Maybe Naru?

"Ah, I'll think about it later."

* * *

Motoko wandered toward the sea, blade in hand. She saw now what she must do. She must go on, find her sister, and kill her worthless husband. He was the source of all her problems.

"I'm coming to save you, Tsuruko! Turtlethulu will not win…"

This couldn't end badly.

* * *

 **Author's Note:**

This took a long time for me to make. I'll level with you, I lost inspiration and forgot about it all. Fortunately for fans of this fic, I've been completely out of inspiration for the past few days. So I looked through my backlog of previous installments. There I found the half-complete fanfic.

So yeah. I'll see if I can remember what I had planned for chapter four. Enjoy.


End file.
